Especially for Parents and Families
 The
college years can present unique challenges for students and their
parents. Below you will find information about:
- Understanding the transition to college
- Services provided by the HWS Counseling Center
- The HWS Counseling Center as a resource for parents
- Confidentiality and parents
- Other helpful resources
Understanding the Transition to College
For your daughter or son, college will likely be a period of intellectual
stimulation and growth, career exploration and development, increased
autonomy, self-exploration and discovery, and social involvement. During
this period, your children may forge new identities or seek to clarify
their values and beliefs. This may require an examination of self, friends,
and family. It may also be a time for exploration and experimentation,
and a period in which your children may question or challenge the values
you hold dear. The changes your children may experience can occur quickly,
as they begin to develop new peer relationships, gain competence in new
areas, and learn to manage independence. It is important to recognize
that every child will experience his or her own unique challenges and
adjustments, just as every parent will have different expectations for
and reaction to their child’s college experience.
Often overlooked is the fact that the college experience is a significant
transition for the parents of college students, too. As parents, you may
experience feelings of happiness, excitement, and pride when your children
leave for college. At the same time, you may feel a sense of sadness and
pain and have many understandable fears and concerns about your children’s
future and well-being. You may worry about your children’s safety
and ability to care effectively for themselves. You may fear “losing”
your children as they begin to function more independently and forms deep
attachments with peers. You may be concerned about how your children will
deal with alcohol, drugs, and sexual relationships. You may also wonder
how your children’s performance in college will reflect on you as
the parent.
Here are some ways you might support your children:
Although your children want and need to become more autonomous during
this period, it is important for them to know you are still available.
Maintaining a supportive relationship with them can be
critical, particularly during their first year of college. If you and
your children were not particularly close prior to their leaving home,
it is still important for you to convey your support. You may be surprised
to find that some space and distance from your children can help improve
your relationships with them.
It is important to maintain regular contact with your children, but also
to allow space for your children to approach you and
set the agenda for some of your conversations. Let your children know
that you respect and support their right to make independent decisions
and that you will serve as an advocate and an advisor when asked. Finally,
recognize that is normal for your children to seek your help one day and
reject it the next. Such behavior can be confusing and exhausting for
parents, so make sure to take care of yourself by talking about your feelings
with your own support system.
Be realistic and specific with your children about financial
issues, including what you will and will not pay for, as well
as your expectations for how they will spend money.
It is also important to be realistic about your children's academic
performance, recognizing that not every straight-A student in
high school will be a straight-A student in college. Help your children
set reasonable academic goals; and encourage them to seek academic assistance
when needed.
The fact that your children have left home does not necessarily prevent
family problems from arising or continuing. Refrain from burdening
your children with problems from home they have no control over
and can do nothing about. Sharing these problems with your children may
cause them to worry excessively and even feel guilty that they are away
from home and unable to help.
Find out contact information for people involved in the various
aspects of your children’s college experience. If you have
questions, or if a particular problem arises, call the appropriate person,
but make sure to involve your children in a collaborative effort to address
the problem. Here are resources you may consider contacting at HWS:
Here are some ways you might support yourself:
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Recognize that it is normal to have mixed feelings when your children
leave home. Feelings of pain and loss often accompany separation from
loved ones. It is also normal to feel a sense of relief when your
children leave for college, and to look forward to some time alone,
or with your significant other, or with your younger children.
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Do your best to develop and maintain your own social support.
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Do your best to maintain your own sense of well-being. This may involve
eating and sleeping well, exercising, and setting new and creative
goals for yourself. Perhaps this is a good time to do some of things
you put off while your children were growing up—taking on a
project or hobby can be an excellent way to channel your energy and
feelings.
Services Provided by the HWS Counseling Center
The Counseling Center provides free, confidential services
for HWS students, including individual and group counseling; walk-in consultations;
emergency
psychological services; and psycho-educational
outreach programming.
Students seek counseling for a variety of reasons, including relationship
concerns, difficulties with roommates, loneliness, isolation, emotional
difficulties including depression and anxiety, eating problems, and identity
issues. Normally these problems are relatively temporary and students
recover fairly quickly; however, if the intensity or persistence of any
of the problems makes it hard for your student to function effectively,
or if your student is experiencing suicidal thoughts or feelings, it is
advisable to encourage your student to come to the Counseling Center right
away. It usually works best to allow your son or daughter to take the
initiative in accessing our services—if you are the one who calls
and makes an appointment, your son or daughter may be less likely to follow
through. ***Follow this link in order to learn how your student can access
our services.
HWS Counseling Center as a Resource for Parents
The Counseling Center provides consultations to parents concerned about
their students. Such consultations can focus on a range of issues, including
how to assist a student experiencing a difficult situation, how to refer
a student to the Center, or how to locate appropriate mental health treatment
for student. To secure a consultation, call the Counseling Center at (315)
781-3600 and ask to speak with a counselor.
Confidentiality and Parents
Confidentiality is an essential part of any counseling relationship.
The Counseling Center staff adhere to the ethical standards of their
respective professions and to state and federal laws relating to
confidentiality. These standards and laws prevent us from speaking
with concerned parents about their student’s contact with
the Center unless we have the student’s written permission.
Thus, unless your student gives us written permission, we cannot
acknowledge whether your student has been seen at the Center or
is making progress in counseling. The only exceptions occur when
a student is under 17.5 years of age, when we are concerned that
a student is clearly and imminently suicidal, when we learn of ongoing
child abuse, or when we are ordered to release confidential information
by a court of law.
Many students prefer to keep their counseling completely private,
and such privacy is typically vital for successful counseling. Assuming
your student is, however, willing to have one of the counselors
discuss her or his participation in counseling with you, one good
way to arrange for this is by asking your student to have the counselor
call you during a counseling session. The counselor will then have
your student complete and sign the necessary form, and may call
you using a “speaker telephone,” so that all concerned
can participate in the conversation. Note that, in general, counseling
is best served if everything parents have to share with their student’s
counselor is also shared with their student.
Even if your student doesn’t give her or his counselor permission
to provide information to you, you may choose to contact a counselor
to share your concerns. Such contact may make sense, for example,
if you are concerned that your student is in serious danger. Note,
however, that the counselor will not be able to even acknowledge
knowing your student, and that the counselor will want to discuss
any information you provide with your student.
Please contact someone at the Counseling Center if you have any questions about our confidentiality standards (315-781-3600).
Other Helpful Resources
Books
Don't Tell Me What To Do: Just Send Money, by Helen Johnson
and Christine Schelhas-Miller (2000).
When Your Kid Goes To College: A Parent's Survival Guide, by
Carol Barkin (1999).
Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to Understanding the College Years,
by Karen Levin Coburn & Madge Lawrence Treeger(1997).
Web Sites
College Parents of America http://www.collegeparents.org/
National Resource Center for First-Year Experience and Students in Transition
http://www.sc.edu/fye/index.html
The U.S. Department of Education’s Higher Education Center for
Alcohol and Other Drug Prevention http://www.edc.org/hec/
Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays http://www.pflag.org/
Note: Much of this material was adapted from the George Washington University
Counseling Center’s Web site.
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